I am tired.
Not a sleepy, sore-eyed tiredness that can be shrugged off after a few hours' kip. This is different. I can feel this, in my bones. A dull ache that won't subside. Perhaps it's the stress, the worry or the three hour shift that soon became 10.
I made a serious decision last month. I don't like those life-changing, adult decisions but I was up against a wall and time was a scarce luxury. In order to properly care for a sick child I sacrificed a year to his care and my family's well-being. At the end of the day family is all you have. Families are there, and families endure. So yeh, if that means watching a monitor for 5 hours, looking for a fit, then so be it. If it means cleaning a man's stomach contents from a piss-filled urinal, then so be it. I don't regret my choice, or begrudge being left in this position. I only wish I could do more.
It's interesting what people go through in times like this. When the wolves howl and the world comes down, all we can find to wear is a brave face. But the acne scars and the vacant eyes on the surface don't do justice to the haemorrhaging hell beneath.
In other news, it snowed tonight. I was reminded earlier of the saying "worse things happen at sea" - it doesn't help when the world around you is blanketed in a frozen ocean. In this winter trees become wraiths and the world is swallowed up. Lest I be swallowed and drowned too, I am retreating to bed. As a child I would hide under my covers from bumps and creaks in the dark.
Perhaps that solution can be applied to my current circumstances
Powerfully written. I read it, and then read it again and again. You are so right about family. I'm glad you reinforced this issue in this latest blog.
ReplyDeleteHaving to rearrange my life for family, got oh so stressful...sometimes, I feel like running away, instead every spare moment I have I use in a positive creative way and seems to balance life a bit....I wouldn't have it any other way. I know you feel the same. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers my friend. Donna
I have never heard of CFC, I just wiki'd it. It sounds awful, I feel very sorry for your brother. I don't know how old he is, in my head I'm thinking he's like 12. Anyway its such a shame, having such an illness as such a young age.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good brother, I applaud you.
My sister has ulcerative colitis, its pretty bad and not a lot of people realise how problematic it is. She's stayed in the hospital for several weeks many times. It's a lifelong illness unless she has her stomach removed which is obviously a very serious procedure. Thankfully she is doing okay for now and hasn't had a flare up for a few months. She is on very strong medication at home and goes to the hospital for a special medication the nurses have to give her.
I just hope it never comes to her having to have her stomach removed...
I remember when her illness would flare up unexpectedly, the pain she was in would cause her to stay in her bed for days crying or going to the bathroom to be sick or go to the toilet. I would feel so helpless and not able to do much.
Thankfully I haven't had to drop out of uni to take care of my family because it hasn't reached that stage.
But for you it has :( Please let us know how your brother gets on.