To find a place that cannot be found

Strange how, at 3am, everything blends into one. I am alert and I am asleep - eager to achieve but too uninspired to follow through on anything. I sit here flicking through the same old web-pages, refreshing occasionally, while the world around me sleeps. I know they're all tucked up in bed, I know my monitor won't divulge anything of interest 'til sun-up, but that's not enough to convince me to sleep. Dave Gorman said, when being paid to write a novel, he would sit at his computer and aimlessly browse the internet. It has everything. An organised, comprehensive bank of all things ever - right at my fingertips. "I don't know about you, but I find EVERYTHING EVER to be quite distracting" he said.

But as I mentioned when we started, 3am turns me into a walking, talking dichotomy. I can't find the will to put away such an expansive distraction. Simultaneously, I cannot find the energy to concentrate, sift through page upon page and do something constructive with my time. I could learn musical theory, read up on immune parasitology - instead I refresh the same old pages, hoping something will catch my attention. It does not.

The definition of insanity, I've heard, is to do the same thing over and over again, and expect different results.

I don't think I'm insane, far from it. I think I have a lot of drive, a lot of energy and enthusiasm. But I'm without focus. I'm without direction. Each day I struggle to be productive. Hell, some days I consider getting showered and dressed a minor achievement - a satisfying, day-well-done.

When did I become so lost?

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